can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize