I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
