Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
