I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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