Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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