you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
