god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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