I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
