Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I AM VODKA MAN
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
