He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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