Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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