I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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