Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
