Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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