if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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