Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
How external is "for external use only"?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize