and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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