A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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