I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
