UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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