Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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