Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
