So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
