my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
