Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
