Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
