quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
