I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
