Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
