Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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