I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I want is dick and wine.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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