I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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