so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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