Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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