Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize