you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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