I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
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