I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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