Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
