It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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