Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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