my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
