Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
