So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
