Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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