So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
