Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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