did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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