my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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