its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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