im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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