either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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