did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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