I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
