I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
