my phone needs a breathalizer
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
