Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
