my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
