Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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