Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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