He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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