You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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