White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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