He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
