What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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