I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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