genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
