Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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