I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
