I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
