3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
