Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
