Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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