i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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