They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
