it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
