I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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